The final straw
Okay, so this is going to seem super insignificant. But my bestfriend of 12 years got me a Christmas gift this year, I love coffee and I love Harry Potter, she got me a tumblr that says “not today mugglefucker” it is perfect. I tried showing my husband and all i got was ‘mhm’. I know that doesn’t seem like much. But there is so much more too it. No matter how much we talk and try to fix things and I try to explain my love language, he never gets it. I have posted about him before, about the lies and the cheating and the dating sites, and I still love him. I do. but I am not in love with him. I cannot be in love with him, I do not love myself. He wants what I cannot give him. I do not have a desire to have sex, I haven’t for a while. He wants it more often than not. It physically hurts. I have 3 children, almost died of a miscarriage, and I am pregnant with out fourth now. I am miserable, I have been miserable, and now the little things that he is doing is making me hate him. I cannot stand his voice, I hate the way he talks, the way he walks, the way he dresses, I hate the way he smells. He is an asshole to our children, without even knowing. He is mean, loud, rude, and just aggressive all the time. My children do not deserve that. I do not deserve that. I made the decision to get a job, start saving money, and leave him. I have been a SAHM for YEARS, on and off, only getting a job when we needed it. I have never been able to save money due to this. Now I am in day 3 of training for a position that makes $11.25, I am putting ¼ of my check up every 2 weeks to save it. I absolutely cannot handle this any more. Rent down here is only $500-700 for the amount of bedrooms I need. I already don’t have friends, I don’t talk to people, I take care of my children and the house by myself. I moved 6 hours away from my family, the only support system I had, to be moved down where his family is, where I have no one. My depression has been out of control. my mental health has been shit. my regular health has been shit. I haven’t felt like myself or felt beautiful in forever, and the days I try, all I get is, oh you look nice. I am not a touchy feely person, and he is constantly wanting to put his hands on me, not in a physically abusive way, but in a sexual way, and as someone who has been molested and raped multiple times. this fucks with my head. I know the cup was insignificant, I know ive wasted nearly 9 years on this, so whats the point in leaving now? Why am I still waiting to leave? Because he is my weakness. Ive tried to leave before and he pulled me back in.